Author Archives: Steve Altes

About Steve Altes

I am iconoclastic, autodidactic, apothegmatic, and pugilistic. But most of all, I am someone who wonders what those words mean. I also write allegedly funny books, essays, speeches, and screenplays. But don't take my word for it. Google me, hombre.

Welcome to My Blogoir (Blog/Memoir)

Posted on May 23, 2011 by Steve Altes

I’m a neophiliac, addicted to new experiences. I’ll watch a TV show about people who dive for sunken treasure and for days that’s all I can think about. I pass a funeral home and wonder what it would feel like … Continue reading →

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Spy For a Day

Posted on May 20, 2011 by Steve Altes

In The Recruit Colin Farrell plays a top MIT student recruited by spymaster Al Pacino. I, too, was once an MIT student recruited by the CIA, although my application process involved substantially less sex with Bridget Moynahan. The year was … Continue reading →

Posted in Collegiate Capers, Essays, Federal Offenses, Hijinks | Comments Off

Dye Hard

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Steve Altes

“This is the FBI! Throw down your weapon and come out with your hands up!” My heart races as I huddle atop a tall dresser in the pitch-dark bedroom of the squalid townhouse, clutching my Smith & Wesson. “Last chance! … Continue reading →

Posted in Essays, Federal Offenses, Hijinks | Comments Off

Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon

Posted on May 18, 2011 by Steve Altes

I had no idea my neighbor was a model. Tracy was cute I suppose, but not arresting. Hardly worth peeking at through the Venetian blinds of my upstairs guest room while she sunbathed in her backyard in her amethyst bikini, … Continue reading →

Posted in Essays, Hijinks, Show Business Humiliations | Comments Off

Ronald Ray-Gun

Posted on May 17, 2011 by Steve Altes

“Dear Ronald Ray-Gun,” my letter began. “If you don’t strike the letter Q from the English alphabet I will press a button and electronically destroy you. Signed, Mike Rubin, 518 Beacon Street, Boston, MA 02215.” “Now that, my friends, is … Continue reading →

Posted in Collegiate Capers, Essays, Federal Offenses, Hijinks | Comments Off

Nerdly by Nature

Posted on May 16, 2011 by Steve Altes

I began as a zygote. A mere one-celled organism, smaller than the period at the end of this sentence. Hardly an auspicious beginning for a being of my towering ambition. My chances for a successful modeling career seemed impossibly remote. … Continue reading →

Posted in Essays, Youthful Follies | Comments Off

Spaceplanes

Posted on May 15, 2011 by Steve Altes

Professor Kosta Tsipis, my MIT thesis advisor, had no qualms about biting the hand that fed me. Kosta is a brilliant nuclear physicist, a world-renowned arms control expert, and a major pain in the rectum to anyone who thinks the … Continue reading →

Posted in Collegiate Capers, Essays, Space Cases | Comments Off

Big Fun in Little Gravity

Posted on May 14, 2011 by Steve Altes

I was floating outside the cargo bay of the space shuttle when I lost my grip on the wrench I was bringing astronaut Ron Tanner. Slowly it drifted away from me and pinged off the faceplate of Ron’s helmet. Whoops-a-daisy. … Continue reading →

Posted in Collegiate Capers, Essays, Federal Offenses, Hijinks, Space Cases | Comments Off

Bill Clinton Hit on My Wife

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Steve Altes

Part One: The Den of Iniquity that is Bill Clinton’s Basement Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Bill Clinton’s got an eye for the ladies. I know because he hit on my (then-, now ex-) wife, Barb. Barb was … Continue reading →