Most greeting cards are trite, insipid, and lame. But not the Selfish Kitty line of Calypso Cards. Just for fun I decided to write some cards for them.
Here are a few they bought:
Here are some they didn’t:
| Occasion | Cover | Inside |
| Birthday | A pair of jeans, global hegemony, The Pat Sajak Show, your youth. | Some things weren’t meant to last. |
| Birthday | This year I bought you another fantastic gift. | Then I returned it to the store to save you the trouble. Happy Birthday! |
| Birthday | Did you know that by the age of 17 Joan of Arc had led the French Army? | What have you done, slacker? Happy Birthday and get cracking! |
| Birthday | Happy Birthday! Remember, you’re as young as you feel. | How ya feeling, Methuselah? |
| Birthday | Around the world 17.5 million people share your birthday today. | Bet you thought you were special. |
| Birthday | At a certain age you should stop expecting people to fuss over your birthday. | That age is 12. |
| Birthday | Remember when you were a kid and you could fall out of a wheelbarrow and not get injured? | Now you get hurt when you sleep in a bed that isn’t yours. Aging blows. |
| Birthday | Me Want Wish You Merry Birthday! | That’s what happens when they outsource greeting card writers. Anyway, you know what I mean. |
| Friendship | Do you know how rare our friendship is? | Because, seriously, I can’t stand most people. |
| Love | Darling, after being exposed to your enveloping vitality, there exists an anemic pallor in all other women. | Does my braininess turn you on? |
| Love | My attraction to you is the strongest force in the universe! | The weakest force turns out to be the grip on that metal claw game in the arcade. |
| Wedding | Congratulations on your wedding! | Did you pledge your troth? I didn’t even know you had a troth. |
| Father’s Day | To Mom, on Father’s Day, from the Cat. | Whoa, here’s a card that shouldn’t exist. |
| Thanksgiving | Let’s make this Thanksgiving special… | By skipping dinner and going directly to the traumatic, drunken family quarrel. |
| Christmas | In Lithuania Santa Claus is called Kaledu Senis. | Like you care. |
| Christmas | Merry Christmas, Jenny! From Uncle Lew. | Obviously the cards were pretty picked over by the time I got to them. |
